Thoughts before Running
by Eruva
Summary: A story from Jace's POV from the scene in COG where Jace goes to see Clary before running.


And I'm back to writing fanfiction. It's been ages.

Anyhow, this story is based off a song that can be found linked here: youtube /watch?v=4bE8_oRsaWE&feature=

Disclaimer: I don't own The Mortal Instruments, that's Cassandra Clare.

She was infuriating. Infuriating and intoxicating. Her stubbornness would be the death of him, of that he had no doubt. Yet somehow, as many times as he'd tried to walk away that night, he found his feet leading him back right under her window ledge.

The crazy, suicidal plan Jace had formed in his mind, in hopes of giving Idris a fighting chance against Valentine was weighing on his mind. In that one moment of vulnerability he found he wanted to see the one person who'd been tearing him apart lately. Yet she was the only person that had made him feel like he belonged in a long while. In the midst of the mess that was their feeling for each other, their heritage, and the strong hope that what they'd been told it was a lie Jace stared up at her window and tried to decide.

The choice was simple, knock or walk away. Yet it seemed to weigh heavy on his mind. In what he finally admitted would be his last night alive, as he knew there wasn't a chance he could survive going after Valentine, he wanted to see her despite how much she threw his mind for a whirl.

In this moment he felt weak and small, but if he were going to die, he wouldn't deny himself the chance to tell her how he felt about her. With his mind made up he climbed up and knocked. There was a moment when he realized she might be asleep, or she might turn him away, and he froze on fear, before she finally opened the window. He saw here scramble for her weapon, scared, before he placed a hand on her shoulder and whispered, "it's alright, it's me."

* * *

He climbed into her bed beside her making sure to leave space between them. Being close to her again was confusing. He fought the urge to reach out and hold her. What good would it do anyhow? To give himself a moment that he would never be able to repeat. This moment, however, was perfect. So he drew comfort and courage from the fact that she'd let him stay. She hasn't turned him away after he'd spoken, didn't deny that they both felt drawn to each other, she'd listened to him explain why he'd been acting cold and distant. They were beginning to mend. If only he had the time to see where they'd be when they were mended.

She'd always been beautiful. In this moment though, she seemed angelic. Her face angled towards his, her fiery red hair spread across the pillow. There was a softness that was in her smile, an ease he'd not seen in her before. In the moments she slept the war and their problems seemed to fade.

He wanted to stay but he knew he couldn't, he shouldn't. Her stubbornness would be the death of him, but his love for her would ultimately be the thing that destroyed him. She was so stubborn in portaling to Idris without thought of consequence, and her ever move since. He had fought an internal battle when he saw her open the door to the room in the Penhallow's house. There was happiness in seeing her again, and the anger that she was here and that she would undoubtedly be in danger, and then of sadness of what could never be between them.

In that moment he pulled out a sheet of paper and wrote. He wrote of his plans, where he was going, what he had to do, and why he had to see her tonight. Placing it on the bedside table, he took one last look at her. Brushing her hair back he places a light kiss on her forehead and steeled himself. With one last look back, he jumped out her window and began to walk.

On his walk towards a probable death, he thought of her and everything she meant to him. His father always said to love is to destroy, and in that moment Jace knew Valentine had been wrong. In loving Clary Jace hasn't been destroyed, Jace had given Clary the power to destroy him. He prayed she wouldn't destroy him, but he somehow knew that if she did, it would be worth every moment that he spent loving her.


End file.
